waterpistols on Xanga

Thursday, 23 May 2013

to love is to be vulnerable.

if this is really true, then its time i build some sturdy walls around me and put my defenses up.
may i feel said he
(i'll squeal said she
just once said he)
it's fun said she

(may i touch said he
how much said she
a lot said he)
why not said she

(let's go said he
not too far said she
what's too far said he
where you are said she)

may i stay said he
(which way said she
like this said he
if you kiss said she

may i move said he
is it love said she)
if you're willing said he
(but you're killing said she

but it's life said he
but your wife said she
now said he)
ow said she

(tip top said he
don't stop said she
oh no said he)
go slow said she

(cccome? said he
ummm said she)
you're divine!said he
(you are Mine said she)

by E.E. Cummings

Thursday, 16 May 2013

The state of being one-sided

As much as I think whatsapp, or phone "messengers" have brought great convenience for people to communicate, I have not been fully utilising the benefit. Perhaps it is the busyness during exam period, the need for me to focus on my notes instead of my phone, but i think the more important reason is the lack of motivation to communicate through the virtual world, or through texting. I am not the best texter, I mean, my friends would probably know that I type REALLY badly on my phone, plagued with typos in 3/10 messages, or even more. Haha. I admit, I am. One of my friends even joked about how I should take up a professional typing course over summer if i cant find an internship. :p Oh wells, at least I can say that typos is a distint feature to me, not that i am proud of it, just indifferent.

Back to my point. I prefer chatting online much more because the typing board is bigger and it feels nicer to just.. TYPE. Not to mention, faster? But what I seek most satisfaction from is to communicate face to face. I would reply just a few short lines of replies on whatsapp as if i dont give a damn, as if i have nothing better to say, people might misunderstand me as being 1. boring; 2. indifferent; or 3. emotionless. Well, it is not that, but actually, 1. I am just lazy to type on my phone; 2. I lack the concentration to just stare at my phone for the whole time to hold a continuous conversation; 3. This is a huge factor, whereby I cant multitask continuous texting, while being in class, trying to pay attention (even if I am not), I cant multitask continuos conversation on whatsapp while trying to be with my friends. Be it shopping together, eating, hanging out.... I know they understand because many of us are like that nowadays, which is sad. I find it increasingly disrespectful to them and I have been trying to avoid continuous conversations when I am with them. That said, I use to have my phone in my hands ALL THE TIME. There is a sense of insecurity without it, without knowing if there is someone looking for me. But I have been growing detached. I surprised myself a few days ago, when i found my phone in my bag, with unreplied whatsapp messages sent half or an hour ago. A few weeks back, I would reply people almost instantaneously, unable to ignore vibrations from my phone, the blinking blue light. But its different now (although I still have the desire to check, but maybe after 5/10 minutes hahah).

In these busy times, I prefer to pay less attention to “無聊” messages whatsapp, carry on less then meaningful talks on whatsapp. I feel satisfied with the conversations I have with the people I am with, I hang out with, study with. Ironically, and as indecisive as I am, I might turn hypocritical on my current thoughts when I have all the time in the world in summer, or when i have nothing to do at all back in indo. That time, I am sure I will be constanly looking for people to converse with on whatsapp. You can say to keep myself occupied (which sounds like I do not sincerely want to talk to the person, but making use of them to kill my boredom), I cant deny some truth in that sometimes. I mean, we often DO look for people to hang out with when we are bored. But beyond the primary reason, it is more important to realise that it is the pursue of a conversation that you enjoy having. With more time and less liabilities, more attention and thoughts can be devoted to carry the whatsapp conversation on, allowing me to immerse myself more in the moment, to actually feel like its close to face-to-face conversation!

Too lazy to reread the posts and check if it is coherent. If youre reading it, I hope you undersood it, got something out of it, if not, i apologise for wasting on some ramblings from me. Or or if you feel offended, and dont ever want to whatsapp me ever again, or feel that I HATE WHATAPPING YOU, it is NOT THE CASE! hehe. Gonna sleep, interview for internship tomorrow. God bless muahhhh. <3

Friday, 10 May 2013

quick update

Hello world, i am alive! Pan told me to update more, so I guess here is a quick one before I sleep!

Again, its the end of the semester, an ending to year 2 of uni! Time sure flies. Many things seem to have happened this semester, significant things but I cant seem to be able to list them out specifically. It has been an important semester to me, the semester where I finally feel that i HAVE SETTLED DOWN in hong kong. I feel a greater sense of belonging to this place, to my school, to rugby, to INASA, to RC Lee......... despite the initial disappointment that i had in the school, hku is not that bad after all. It certainly does not mean that i don't have any, but definitely I have come to accept the school and situation I am in, and I am alright with is.

This semester makes me understand what contentment is all about. It is about feeling blessed for the love we have, its about being grateful for the little things like basic needs, and its about appreciating things around you, looking beyond their imperfections; It is about accepting the fact that you can't always have what you want, it is about acknowledging that we have it better than many people out there , it is about understanding that if we do not limit our wants, we simply can never be fully satisfied.

Beyond my imperfections, my bad skin, my less than perfect grades, my nonexistent love life (and the list is ENDLESS but that is not the point), today I feel grateful- for my good health, for my supportive family, for my caring friends, for receiving "good" education, for being able to stay in a comfortable hall, for being able to afford food, delicious food-and even, to be alive!

They say count your blessings, but I'll say its impossible because there are just so much to be thankful for, uncountable.

That being said, wanting for more is not a bad thing. We need to seek improvements in our lives, non-materialistic improvements; Become a better person, show more love to the people around you. Although the world is pretty fucked up now, it is still a wonderful place to live it. :)

So that is all that i have to say for tonight. Have been slacking too much this semester, too distracted. I pray that I can gain more focus over the next few day. Gayau Helena!

Peaceeeeeee <3

Wednesday, 24 April 2013

it's not that i havent thought about coming clean, and being honest with you. in fact, it is something that i always think about. but whenever i do, i cant find a reason to. there isn't any point left. what difference does it make?

开始也愧疚，后来就习惯了呗

Monday, 11 March 2013

I wonder what about me that people might find intimidating? Or am I not "interesting" enough? What is it that makes people not what to know me beyond the surface, and know me more in greater depth? Is it me that have been shielding myself from people, retreating and resisting as they pry me open. Im not saying I dont value my friendships but I just find them increasingly shallow; Friendship that just get enough for people to say youre "nice", "on9" funny or whatever without them knowing how you really feel inside. then again what is the importance of people knowing how you really feel inside. I guess what i am trying to say is, how many close friends do i really have. How many really value me as much as value them. I wonder what you think bout proclaiming your close/best friendship with someone without them feeling the same one. How does it feel to have a person who mutually acknowledge each other as best friends?

Perhaps its really nice to feel "exclusive" once in a while. Its unlike me to carry such a selfish thought but I have been thinking if i should be more selfish. Perhaps it could let me attain more love to myself.

Tuesday, 26 February 2013

remind myself to retreat.

Monday, 18 February 2013

A touch can mean so much when it's all you've got
When she says she loves you that means a lot
Love can be deep inside, love can be suicide
Can't you see you can't hide what you feel when it's real